I ran across a post that I thought had some really great information for those of you who never know what to say about our adoption or how they can support us along the way. This blog shares some great tips of what to say and what not to say.. I think the most annoying thing I have had someone say to me when we announced that we were adopting was "Oh now I bet you'll get pregnant".. That one has to be the worst. It was like a dagger in my heart. The truth is no I won't due to the fact that I have be on birth control pills to prevent uterine cancer.. but yeah.. now that you all know my personal life I won't be getting that comment anymore :)
So lets learn about how to support an adoptive family. And believe me we sometimes just want to be treated like every other family out there expecting. And those of you who are family remember it's not just us who are adopting you are too. You will be a very important part of our child's life as well!
Adoption Corner- Supporting Adoptive Families
Having been through both the adoption experience and the child birth
experience, I found that all kinds of people know how to take care of
you after you give birth, but hardly anyone knows the right things to do
when you bring home your adopted child. Most people also don't know
how to respond appropriately when you tell them that you are adopting in
the first place. This is meant to be a guide for the friends and
families of adoptive families in the praying/planning/dreaming phase as
well as families in process and newly home. Link it up, cut and paste,
email it out to your family. I will say all the things to your family
that you are afraid to say or maybe that you yourself don't even know
that you need yet! (I don't mind being the heavy!)
1. When your loved one comes to you with the news that they are planning to adopt:
- Do not say, "Oh, don't give up trying for 'your own'" or "Don't
you want to have one of 'your own' instead? Adoption is not something
people enter into lightly. And prospective adoptive families already do
consider this child that they do not even know as 'their own'. By
saying this to an adoptive family, it insinuates that you will not be
accepting their new addition as your 'own' grandchild/niece/nephew/etc.
Also- many families that consider adoption have been through long
periods of time dealing with infertility and adoption may be a very
emotional decision. It signifies the end of one dream and the beginning
of a new dream. Supporters need to be very sensitive to this and be
positive!
- Share your concerns about the finances of adoption, but do it in a
non-judgemental way. Yes, adoption is expensive. But you need to
understand that there are grants, fundraisers, and ways to acquire
the money. So instead of looking at the people who want to adopt and
saying, "Oh my gosh- you are so poor, you will never be able to afford
this!" say something like, "I know that this will be expensive, how
can we help you plan a fundraiser?"
- Do not recall in gory detail every terrible adoption story you've
ever heard. This is the equivalent of telling a pregnant woman that her
baby will be born with 12 arms and she will be in labor for 3 weeks and
her boobs will fall all the way down to the ground after breastfeeding.
Just don't do it.
- If the family is adopting internationally, do
not condescendingly talk about how there are so many kids here in
America who need home. Each person needs to do what feels right for
their family. Sometimes that means adopting domestically, and sometimes
that means going international. Either way, a child who needs a home
and a family will get one. Focus on that fact and leave your personal
opinions about which you think is best to yourself. Remember- they are
BOTH awesome (and BOTH necessary!)
2. Once families are in process:
- Check in with the adoptive family's (from here on out called
A.F.) emotions! Adoption can be a very emotional process. There are
days where you are in the dumps and days when you want to celebrate.
Give the A.F. the space to talk about their feelings and their
frustrations. When they call super excited and say, "I got my I-171h",
pretend like you know what they are talking about and jump up and down
and throw a party.
- Throw a baby shower just as if the A.F. was pregnant. Make a big
stinkin' deal over the mom to be. Obviously, don't play the how big is
your belly game. But do everything else the same!
- Support A.F. fundraisers. They need your help! Better yet- host a
fundraising dinner, pancake breakfast, auction, raffle, etc. to help the
family raise the money to bring their child home.
- If there are other children already in the A.F. offer to babysit
them leading up to traveling so that mom and dad get a few last dates in
before the new addition.
- If the adoption is international, educate yourself about the child's birth country.
- If the adopted child will be of a different race, educate yourself
about transracial families by reading articles, books, etc. Just
googling transracial families will bring up a wealth of information.
- Offer to keep siblings, pets and house sit for the A.F. when they are traveling.
3. Once families are home:
- All the same rules apply as when you bring a baby home from the
hospital. Bring food, offer to coordinate meals and food drop-offs for
church groups. Come over and clean. Wash clothes and put away laundry.
Wash dishes. Do not believe the A.F. when they say they do not need
help. THEY DO!
- Respect the A.F's rules regarding holding their new addition. Many
families may wish to not have any outsiders (this includes
Grandma!) holding their child so that this child who has been with many
caregivers can learn who mom and dad are. A.F's do not do this to hurt
your feelings. They are only doing what they feel is best for their new
child. Do not make them feel bad about this.
- Also- sometimes to foster attachment in our adopted kiddos, the
parent's don't want to leave them with a sitter or family member for a
long period of time after coming home. Understand that this is not
because the family member or sitter is not trusted or loved. It is just
to help give the new child the right sense of family and permanence.
- Offer to run the carpool, run errands, cut the grass, babysit the
siblings, pick up items at the grocery. New moms are notoriously sleep
deprived- even if this is the 10th child they've adopted. Drop over a
huge cup of Starbucks. Say hello at the door with said cup of coffee
and leave.
- Give gift cards for takeout and pizza- so that long after the food
welcome wagon has stopped coming, the family can still eat without
having to cook! Seriously- who wants to cook when you've been up all
night with a crying baby?
- Even though the A.F. did not give birth, families who are bringing
home new children will be exhausted from long nights in the hospital
(domestic adoption), long flights or a week or two in a foreign land
with a new baby who has most likely been screaming non-stop because the
child has no idea what is happening to them. Give the A.F. the forum to
share how ragged they are. Do not judge them. Every single part is not
going to be perfect. Let them get how hard it all is off their chest
without feeling guilty about it.
- Watch for post adoption depression.
It is a real thing. Just because a woman isn't flooded with pregnancy
hormones, doesn't mean that she can't develop depression. There is a
lot of lead-up going into an adoption and sometimes the reality is tough
and can lead to lots of emotional ugliness. Be supportive.
- Do not expect adoptive parents to be "super parents". I find that
there is a huge stigma that adoptive families should have it all
together because they "paid a lot" for their children. All families are
on a learning curve- no matter how they got their children. Do not be
quick to dispense advice if you've never adopted a child (because
parenting an adopted child in the early days is a lot different than a
biological child), but be quick to say, "How can I help?"- Then be
willing to actually help!
- Most of all, share in the joy that comes with bringing a new child into the family!
Here is a link to Megans original post. http://www.millionsofmiles.com/2010/08/adoption-corner-supporting-adoptive.html
