Honesty at the most..

Lets face it! WAITING SUCKS! Tick Tock.. Tick Tock.. Everyday I think about what it will be like when we are finally matched with a birth family. I can't seem to get my mind off of it. I know I have to be patient but really, this is making me nuts. I know in the end it will make me appreciate it so much more and I know that this is just how it is.. and it's  another part of this journey were on. One that will hopefully end with a little one for us to love and cherish. So for now I pray hope and wait for that phone to ring..

In the mean time I found a new reality show to watch on the oxygen channel It's called I am having their baby. When I first heard of this show I HAD to watch it! And I did even though it made me cry several times. Although I cry about everything I guess I would say I am one of those over sensitive types. Or maybe I just have a lot of love and have a lot of sympathy for others. Since starting this adoption journey my thoughts about what a birth mother/father  has changed and really revolved. They have so much bravery and so much commitment and love to want to give their baby a life that they maybe could not or are unable to provide for them.  They are amazing women and lets not forget the birth fathers. Here is a link to the show
http://features.oxygen.com/videos/I'm%20Having%20Their%20Baby/

This makes me think about how much Loss is involved in adoption. A lot of people don't realize that adoption is full of loss. Not only does the birth mother suffer a HUGE loss! As the adoptive parents  we  have suffered a great loss. That is the loss of our biological child. The one that Justin and I would always talk about.. we would say things like oh I bet he or she will have your eyes or your hair etc... It is a death a death of our dream that never happened. We have had to mourn that loss. . It has made us so much stronger.  And we are now ready to take that next step and be parents.

What to do and say..

I recently ran across this great blog called http://www.millionsofmiles.com/.

I ran across a post that I thought had some really great information for those of you who never know what to say about our adoption or how they can support us along the way. This blog shares some great tips of what to say and what not to say.. I think the most annoying thing I have had someone say to me when we announced that we were adopting  was "Oh now I bet you'll get pregnant".. That one has to be the worst. It was like a dagger in my heart. The truth is no I won't due to the fact that I have be on birth control pills to prevent uterine cancer.. but yeah.. now that you all know my personal life I won't be getting that comment anymore :)

So lets learn about how to support an adoptive family. And believe me we sometimes just want to be treated like every other family out there expecting. And those of you who are family remember it's not just us who are adopting you are too. You will be a very important part of our child's life as well!

Adoption Corner- Supporting Adoptive Families

August 20, 2010

Having been through both the adoption experience and the child birth experience, I found that all kinds of people know how to take care of you after you give birth, but hardly anyone knows the right things to do when you bring home your adopted child.  Most people also don't know how to respond appropriately when you tell them that you are adopting in the first place.  This is meant to be a guide for the friends and families of adoptive families in the praying/planning/dreaming phase as well as families in process and newly home.  Link it up, cut and paste, email it out to your family.  I will say all the things to your family that you are afraid to say or maybe that you yourself don't even know that you need yet! (I don't mind being the heavy!)

1.  When your loved one comes to you with the news that they are planning to adopt:

• Do not say, "Oh, don't give up trying for 'your own'" or "Don't you want to have one of 'your own' instead? Adoption is not something people enter into lightly.  And prospective adoptive families already do consider this child that they do not even know as 'their own'.  By saying this to an adoptive family, it insinuates that you will not be accepting their new addition as your 'own' grandchild/niece/nephew/etc.  Also- many families that consider adoption have been through long periods of time dealing with infertility and adoption may be a very emotional decision.  It signifies the end of one dream and the beginning of a new dream.  Supporters need to be very sensitive to this and be positive! 
• Share your concerns about the finances of adoption, but do it in a non-judgemental way.  Yes, adoption is expensive.  But you need to understand that there are grants, fundraisers, and ways to acquire the money.  So instead of looking at the people who want to adopt and saying, "Oh my gosh- you are so poor, you will never be able to afford this!" say something like, "I know that this will be expensive, how can we help you plan a fundraiser?"
• Do not recall in gory detail every terrible adoption story you've ever heard. This is the equivalent of telling a pregnant woman that her baby will be born with 12 arms and she will be in labor for 3 weeks and her boobs will fall all the way down to the ground after breastfeeding.  Just don't do it.
  
• If the family is adopting internationally, do not condescendingly talk about how there are so many kids here in America who need home.  Each person needs to do what feels right for their family.  Sometimes that means adopting domestically, and sometimes that means going international.  Either way, a child who needs a home and a family will get one.  Focus on that fact and leave your personal opinions about which you think is best to yourself.  Remember- they are BOTH awesome (and BOTH necessary!) 

2.  Once families are in process:

• Check in with the adoptive family's (from here on out called A.F.) emotions!  Adoption can be a very emotional process.  There are days where you are in the dumps and days when you want to celebrate.  Give the A.F. the space to talk about their feelings and their frustrations.  When they call super excited and say, "I got my I-171h", pretend like you know what they are talking about and jump up and down and throw a party.
•  Throw a baby shower just as if the A.F. was pregnant.  Make a big stinkin' deal over the mom to be.  Obviously, don't play the how big is your belly game.  But do everything else the same!
• Support A.F. fundraisers.  They need your help!  Better yet- host a fundraising dinner, pancake breakfast, auction, raffle, etc. to help the family raise the money to bring their child home.
• If there are other children already in the A.F. offer to babysit them leading up to traveling so that mom and dad get a few last dates in before the new addition. 
• If the adoption is international, educate yourself about the child's birth country.
• If the adopted child will be of a different race, educate yourself about transracial families by reading articles, books, etc. Just googling transracial families will bring up a wealth of information.   
• Offer to keep siblings, pets and house sit for the A.F. when they are traveling. 

3.  Once families are home:

• All the same rules apply as when you bring a baby home from the hospital.  Bring food, offer to coordinate meals and food drop-offs for church groups.  Come over and clean.  Wash clothes and put away laundry. Wash dishes.  Do not believe the A.F. when they say they do not need help.  THEY DO!
• Respect the A.F's rules regarding holding their new addition.  Many families may wish to not have any outsiders (this includes Grandma!) holding their child so that this child who has been with many caregivers can learn who mom and dad are.  A.F's do not do this to hurt your feelings.  They are only doing what they feel is best for their new child.  Do not make them feel bad about this.
• Also- sometimes to foster attachment in our adopted kiddos, the parent's don't want to leave them with a sitter or family member for a long period of time after coming home.  Understand that this is not because the family member or sitter is not trusted or loved.  It is just to help give the new child the right sense of family and permanence.
• Offer to run the carpool, run errands, cut the grass, babysit the siblings, pick up items at the grocery.  New moms are notoriously sleep deprived- even if this is the 10th child they've adopted.  Drop over a huge cup of Starbucks.  Say hello at the door with said cup of coffee and leave.
• Give gift cards for takeout and pizza- so that long after the food welcome wagon has stopped coming, the family can still eat without having to cook!  Seriously- who wants to cook when you've been up all night with a crying baby?
• Even though the A.F. did not give birth, families who are bringing home new children will be exhausted from long nights in the hospital (domestic adoption), long flights or a week or two in a foreign land with a new baby who has most likely been screaming non-stop because the child has no idea what is happening to them. Give the A.F. the forum to share how ragged they are.  Do not judge them.  Every single part is not going to be perfect.  Let them get how hard it all is off their chest without feeling guilty about it. 
• Watch for post adoption depression.  It is a real thing.  Just because a woman isn't flooded with pregnancy hormones, doesn't mean that she can't develop depression.   There is a lot of lead-up going into an adoption and sometimes the reality is tough and can lead to lots of emotional ugliness.  Be supportive. 
• Do not expect adoptive parents to be "super parents".  I find that there is a huge stigma that adoptive families should have it all together because they "paid a lot" for their children. All families are on a learning curve- no matter how they got their children.  Do not be quick to dispense advice if you've never adopted a child (because parenting an adopted child in the early days is a lot different than a biological child), but be quick to say, "How can I help?"- Then be willing to actually help!
• Most of all, share in the joy that comes with bringing a new child into the family!

 Here is a link to Megans original  post. http://www.millionsofmiles.com/2010/08/adoption-corner-supporting-adoptive.html

They aren't lying when they call it a rollercoaster ride..

Swing and a miss.. That's about what I feel like at this point. July 11th was a crazy day for us. I was trying to focus on some design work since I have recently ran into some new opportunities with Look Love Send and Snapfish (HP). So I was in a rush to get my assignments done before we left for vacation to the Boundary Waters. As I was trying to focus on my work my cell phone rang.. I was like what the heck who's calling me on my cell phone.. those of you who know me well know that I rarely hear my cell phone or use it lol. So I ran to the top of the stairs to grab my phone which was of course buried in my purse as usual. I answered the phone a bit winded from running up the stairs. It was the sweet voice of our social worker Joanna. She then tells me about a situation in Alabama and all the details of the birth mother and family history ect.. My heart just drops immediately I can feel my heart racing along with my mind thinking.. Is this the one.. Could this be our baby? could it?? I then have to remind myself that this is only step one which is the showing of our profile. I then proceed to tell her that I have to get a hold of Justin and get back to her. So I then continue to email Justin the details. While in the middle of an email my cell phone rings again.. and once more it is that sweet voice I am dying to hear lol.. and she says we have another situation and she continues to tell me the details again.. I am now a big flustered mess thinking of what could be and all of the possibilities. Justin and I talked and decided to have both of our profiles shown to both of the birth mothers.. Unfortunately we were not chosen for either situation. Which deeply sadden me and made me start to question myself.. Is our house not big enough? Does she not like the way we look? Why didn't she choose us? Did we do something wrong in our profile? Do we not look like we'll be great parents.. What the heck?? I know have to tell myself every time I start thinking these thoughts.. That nothing is wrong with us.. It just wasn't meant to be...And the fact that we received two calls in one day was hope that were one step closer to bringing home or little one whoever or where ever she or he may be..  Until then we wait, Pray and keep hope alive.. Here are some photos from our recent boundary waters trip. I hope to post some nursery photos soon.. It's pretty much done now just need some window treatments.

We're LIVE and active with Heart to Heart!

We are finally reaching the offical offical waiting period of our adoption journey. We are now live with two of the main agencies that our agency works with. One is Adoption by Shepard Care (ASC) which is located in Florida and Heart to Heart (H2H) which is located in Utah. We are glad to be at this point but at the same time feeling on edge and wondering about how long were going to have to wait. ASC told us a guesstimate of 9.2 months were H2H told us 3 to 6 months. So at this time it is totally in gods hands. In the mean time we are getting the room ready. We now have the furniture and the walls done all that is left is some minor touches. I hope to get some photos posted soon. I hope everyone had a great Father's day! Justin and I went to a aviation open house yesterday morning and he said.. " I can't wait until next year.. Hopefully I can take our little one here and teach them all about planes" lol.. My answer to that was "Me too!"  Thank you to all of you who have been thinking about us an praying for us as we wait!  Here is a link to our mini profile if you want to check us out
http://www.hearttoheartadopt.com/families/?view=117

Build it and they will Come

"Build it and they will come" well, that is the quote from the movie Field of Dreams. Our hopes are the same is true for our baby nursery. For the last couple of weeks we have been working on our Baby room. Since Justin and I love to camp and are avid out door lovers we have decided to go with a woodland theme. I have this awesome digital Craft cutter called the Silhouette machine and it cuts vinyl wall decals so I have designed a cute tree and owl family for the wall.We'll show more photos When the room is complete. :)

Mother's Day Tears and Design fun

Sunday was Mother's Day my first thought was ughh.. just another reminder that I am not one yet. My second thought I have been blessed with the greatest mom ever! I have also been blessed with a pretty awesome Mother-in-Law. Both have become very important women and role models in my life. And for that reason I was going to try and not be sad about Mother's Day but try and make the best of it.. I woke up somewhat tired on Sunday morning walked into the kitchen and there was my sweet husband standing there with a grin on his face, I then took a look on the kitchen table where there was a cute little Giraffe gift bag inside the gift bag was a little shirt that read my mom rocks and a bunch of cute little bibs and a mother to be Mother's day card for me. Immediately tears start running down my face. Justin looks at me and says "What?" as he smiles ear to ear.. Yep! you got it this is why I married this man he is the biggest sweetest guy ever! He just knows how to make me happy when I am sad and is there with me through think and thin. I know he will be the best Dad ever!

So after the tears and hugs Justin informs me that there are not a lot of  designs for mother's to be that don't have a pregnant lady on them.. I thought humm I can fix that, well maybe not this year but maybe next year. So my next design project is going to be to make designs that are geared towards those of us who are building our families through adoption. I started working on this today. Here is an example of a baby shower invite that I have been working on.

And the waiting begins...

Last weekend was a busy for us as we celebrated family birthdays. Which seem to creep up fast every year.  I guess that is part of having large families but none the less we love seeing and celebrating with everyone.
 Our week has been full of anticipation as we got everything ready to bring to our meeting with our social worker yesterday. We got all of your paper work in the books are being sent out next week which means we no being our Official waiting period. Which is the start of our "Pregnancy" well non traditional pregnancy that is lol..   Best part for me is no weight gain and if I want my steak a little raw and a glass of wine I can! :) Oh and I don't have to give up my herbal tea which I love! Yes Justin tells me I am Teavana obsessive. I have to agree that I have become quite the tea snob.
So the next leg of our journey begins.. waiting.. While waiting we hope to prepare the baby room and get ready for our new arrival which could happen with in six months, a year, 3 months, who knows.. that's the thing we just don't know it is out of our control and something we just have to roll with. Which is not new to us, we consider ourselves to be pretty easy going and a go with the flow type of couple which we have been told will help us along the way.